Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
#1. When you live in past memories more than the present.
Do you replay the happy moments of the relationship to make you feel
good about it? Do you use them as reasons to continue on with him/her?
If so, it’s a sign your current relationship isn’t how you want it to
be. I realized the more we live in the past memories and/or a
self-created future, the more we are living in a self-created reality.
This is dangerous since it’s not reflective of the actual state of the
relationship.
You have to remember your relationship with the person exists in the
current moment. Not in the past. Past memories should remain as memories
and not as a reason to stay together. Your decision on whether to stay
with the person should be based on your current feelings for him/her,
the actual state of the relationship and the future you see with
him/her.
#2. When the relationship brings you more pain than joy.
Sometimes, we tend to be blinded by the past happy moments of the
relationship. To the extent we forget about all the unhappiness it
brings us. If your relationship leaves you frustrated/upset/unhappy more
often than not; If your relationship is leaving you in tears every so
often, perhaps this might not be the right person for you. The
relationship you are in now should be one which brings you happiness now. Just like #1, if the main source of happiness of your relationship is from past memories, something is amiss.
#3. When he/she expects you to change.
The truest form of love is one that’s unconditional. Your partner
shouldn’t expect you to change, unless it’s for your well-being (such as
to quit smoking or to adopt a healthier diet). Some of my friends had
ex-boyfriends who wanted them to change, such as to dress up more often
to look prettier or to lose weight when said friend was of healthy
weight. There was even one who actually suggested my friend to shave her
arm and leg hair because he felt it a given for girls!
The issue here isn’t about you. The issue isn’t about the change
itself either. The issue is about the expectation of you to change.
While some requests may start off seemingly normal/benign, they will
quickly build on over time. Even as you concede to the requests, more
will come. It marks the first step of him/her trying to mold you into
his/her expectations of you, rather than you growing into your own.
#4. When you stay on, expecting he/she will change.
The above applies for the other person as much as it applies for you.
If you are staying on / getting into the relationship expecting the
person to change, you are in this for the wrong reason. You are trying
to change the person to fit your expectations, rather than accept
him/her as the individual he/she is.
Even if the person does changes, soon you will have something else
you want him/her to change. You will never be fully satisfied with how
he/she is. The worst thing is, if the other person isn’t conscious,
he/she will keep changing just to fit your expectations. In the end,
he/she will just end up being your shadow.
This happened between my ex-best friend, K, and me. While we were not
in a romantic relationship, some issues we faced in our friendship are
probably similar to what others face in their romantic relationships.
Through our friendship, I began to see him as an extension of me, rather
than as a separate individual. K did not have a very strong
self-identity at the time, so unfortunately he kept changing to fit what
I wanted. In the end, he was became my shadow. After 10 years of
friendship, we had to
part ways,
because it was the better path for us to grow as individuals – for him
to grow into his own, and for me to grow into my own as well.
#5. When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.
Whenever we experience a situation we’re uncomfortable about, we experience cognitive dissonance.
It refers to the discomfort from being faced with something that
conflicts against our beliefs. When this happens, we try to come up with
explanations, justifications so we can feel good about the situation.
This if we feel the need to justify an action, that means we are
uncomfortable with the action itself and we want to explain away the
discomfort. The danger behind this is that the explanations are
self-created and may or may not be true. If you are repeatedly
justifying his/her actions, the relationship becomes built on your
rationalizations, rather than the reality. Likelihood is that you are
living in your world of false assurances rather than the truth.
Back in 2005 when the relationship between G and I was in the state
of ambiguity, I would think of different reasons to justify why nothing
was happening. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe he was shy. Maybe
he wasn’t sure of what to do with the relationship. Maybe studies was
his priority. Maybe I should take the first step. For a while, I was
justifying different reasons as to why he didn’t take action. However
reality was he wasn’t taking action. Everything else was just made up in
my mind to fill up the gap between this reality and my expectations. By
creating all these justifications, I had unknowingly created a mental
jigsaw which I had to slowly peel away in the later years.
To see reality as it is, see the actions as they are and let them
speak for themselves. Actions ultimately speak louder than words.
#6. When he/she is causing you emotional/physical/verbal hurt.
Physical and verbal abuse are definite no-no’s. There is clearly
something wrong if the other party abuses/hits/curses/swears at you, no
matter how he/she tries to make up for it later. Even if it may be the
spur of the moment, the fact that he/she lets slip in that moment shows
there is something deep inside him/her that needs addressing.
Emotional hurt is trickier. A lot of people negate emotional hurt
because it’s not visible. Ignore it, and it’s not there. But emotional
hurt is hurt all the same, if not worse. The wounds that are hardest to
heal are the emotional ones, not the physical ones.
I was emotionally hurt by G when he flippantly led me on with his
words and behavior, even after I told him not to do it. This had a
lingering effect on me for years even after I broke away, which took a
long while to heal. Even though he may not have realized what his
words/actions did to me, the fact was that he wasn’t conscious enough
about my feelings to realize the hurt he was causing me.
The point of this example isn’t to persecute anyone, but to
illustrate that the other party should be someone who respects you and
is conscious enough of your feelings/well-being not to let you be hurt.
If he/she has caused you hurt, you need to bring it to his/her awareness
and address it together. Keeping mum about it is like handing a free
pass to let the hurting behavior continue. If the same thing happens
even after you have made efforts to address it, you need to reevaluate
the relationship. If he/she can’t care for you properly, he/she might
not be the right person for you.
#7. When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it.
Once might be a coincidence. Twice, you might want to give another
chance. But 3 times is a clear sign something is wrong. I finally
realized nothing was coming out from the relationship between G and I
after our loop played out the third time. Each time, I did what I could
to make it work out, but it always stopped at the same end. It was more
than enough evidence that this was the end.
Do you find yourself in replay mode in your relationship? Do you keep
landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome,
time and again, no matter what you do? If so, perhaps you need to accept
this is the furthest the relationship can get to. You can keep pressing
on, but it’s a matter of time before it sinks in that there’s nothing
further to go. This is the end of the road. There is a future for you
and him/her, and this relationship isn’t the route to that future.
#8. When he/she puts little to no effort in the relationship.
Every relationship requires effort by the duo. The same applies for
familial bonds, friendships, mentorships and most definitely love. Both
of you have to commit to the relationship together. If you are
constantly the one putting in more effort, sooner than later it’ll drain
you. You have to give more and more just to keep the relationship
afloat. Unless this imbalance is addressed, it will only become bigger
and bigger over time. Soon you sink your whole self into it, losing your
self identity in the process.
When you see relationships where one is investing way more effort
than the other, they are usually headed to doomsville. Some of my
friends were in such situations. They invested themselves into their
relationships and poured in their hearts and souls. Their partners, on
the other hand, only put in a fraction of that. They barely cared – it
seemed as if the relationship was just a nice add-on to their lives,
rather than something they really valued. Soon, said partners began
drifting away. My friends kept giving more and more, hoping they could
salvage the situation. This only slowed down breaking off process but
didn’t prevent it.
Don’t get me wrong – it is possible for a relationship to last even
when one party is putting in more effort than the other. However, are
you prepared to do that for the rest of your life? Is your ideal
relationship partner someone who doesn’t care to invest as much effort
into the relationship as you? I personally think all of us deserves
someone who treasures us fully, who wants to be with us as much as we
want to be with us. To have it any other way is like having a car with a
tyre busted – it’ll keep moving in a slant until it eventually drives
off the cliff.
#9. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.
For any friendship or relationship to work out, there has to be
certain similarity in fundamental values. Similarity in these values are
the big rocks
which will hold the friendship in place. Even if other things are
dissimilar, the big rocks will enable the friendship to weather through
even the toughest storms ahead.
On the other hand, if your core values are fundamentally different,
it doesn’t matter even if everything else is same. The journey to keep
the relationship together will only become an uphill battle. It’s just
like trying to hold the soil of the ground together in a heavy rain.
Without the roots of the tree to hold this soil together, everything
will just slip away against your best efforts.
I believe the most important thing in life is to first be true to
ourselves. While conformance has its merits, it should never be done at
the expense of our own growth or our values. Compromising on your
personal values just to keep a friendship afloat will ultimately only
make you miserable. What’s worse, because your true self is repressed,
you start to wrap your identity around the friendship. This was what
happened to K, which was why we had to let go of the relationship partly
so he could grow into his own. You need to first be true to who you are
before any meaningful relationship can be formed.
Sometimes, it’s possible both of you start off with the same values
system. Over time, there will be changes. Maybe he grew to be a
different person. Maybe you did. Maybe both of you changed. The changes
may result in change in your fundamental philosophies, to the point
where they no longer fit. If you can no longer connect with the person
in the same manner as before, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
#10. When the relationship holds you back, hence preventing both of you from growing as individuals.
A relationship is ultimately a third entity formed due to two
individuals. Every relationship evolves based on how both parties are
growing. Sometimes both parties grow at the same pace. There are times
where the relationship is one of stagnancy, where both parties don’t
grow. Then there are times when one outgrows the other, by a large
margin.
When this happens, you have two options (i) change the dynamics of
the relationship to fit this new development, or change yourself to
maintain the same dynamics. As I shared above, it’s most important to
first be true to ourselves. Determine who you are and who you want to
be, then decide if this relationship is one that is compatible with you.
A relationship that hinders you from growing into your own isn’t the
best one for you. On top of that, if you are not able to grow into your
own, chances are your partner is facing a similar blockage as well. A
real relationship should be one that enables you in your personal life
journey, so you can then enable your partner in his/her life journeys as
well.
#11.When you stay on, expecting things to get better.
This is similar to #1, except it pertains to the future. Just like
how you don’t live in the past, you don’t live in the future. You can
hope that the future will be better, but the fact is you live now. If
the only thing that’s making you hold on is the hope of a better future,
the relationship isn’t exactly built on solid grounds. The future you
wish for is one of the many possibilities that can occur, a possibility
that may never come to reality. It’s dangerous to base the fate of the
relationship on something that might not occur. A building built on a
shaky foundation will crash to an unsightly end when the foundation
gives way.
#12. When neither of you feel the same way about each other.
Things change. People change. If the feelings are no longer there,
it’s time to move on. Some of you might linger on in a relationship even
though the feelings are gone. Perhaps it has become part of your
routine and you don’t know what to do once you break away. Some of you
continue on because the relationship still serves certain functional
purposes, such as companionship.
Yet, a relationship without the mutual feelings is like a body
without a heart. There’s no soul or life in it. If you no longer have
feelings for the other party, staying on is doing the other person an
injustice. More importantly, it’s doing you a huge injustice. It’s best for him/her and you to part ways so you can move to better places.
If the other person doesn’t have feelings for you anymore, holding on to him/her only drags out the misery. Realize that “True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”
Just because you love the person doesn’t mean you have to be with the
person. True love exists outside of the physical fabric of a
relationship. This is just a form of expression of love, but in no way
is the single definition of love.
PimRed Metro TV ini belum lulus sarjana… Satu hal yang menarik, Andy
sebenarnya adalah orang teknik. Sejak lulus SD Sang Timur di Malang,
Jawa Timur, pria kelahiran Surabaya ini sekolah di Sekolah Teknik
Jayapura lalu melanjutkan ke STM Jayapura. “Tetapi sejak kecil saya
merasa jatuh cinta pada dunia tulis menulis. Kemampuan menggambar kartun
dan karikatur semakin membuat saya memilih dunia tulis menulis sebagai
jalan hidup saya,”?tutur Andy.
Emha Ainun Nadjib hanya tiga bulan kuliah, Pendidikan formalnya hanya
berakhir di Semester 1 Fakultas Ekonomi Universitas Gadjah Mada (UGM).
Sebelumnya dia pernah ‘diusir’ dari Pondok Modern Gontor Ponorogo karena
melakukan ‘demo’ melawan pemerintah pada pertengahan tahun ketiga
studinya, kemudian pindah ke Yogya dan tamat SMA Muhammadiyah I.
Selebihnya Beliau jadi pengembara ilmu di luar sekolah hingga dia bisa
jadi manusia dengan bermacam sebutan (multifungsi).
